Everyone’s had a situation where they didn’t know what to say or do.
Once, when I was a teenager, I went to visit a friend who was in jail. It was just like the movies with him on one side of the glass and me on the other. We both picked up our phones, and I said, “Keeping out of trouble?” It must have been the right thing to say, because we both laughed.
Funerals can have the same impact. What do you say to someone who’s loved one just passed away? Everyone struggles with what to say and do. No one wants to make an already delicate situation any worse by saying or doing the wrong thing.
A cancer diagnosis, or even being tested for cancer, can have a similar effect. What do you say to someone who is busy having tests and waiting for results? What do you say to someone who, after any visit to see the doctor, could be leaving the building with a cancer diagnosis? How do you react if someone tells you they have cancer?
These are all good questions. Unfortunately, there aren’t clear-cut answers, even for someone like me who’s had cancer.
Each person’s response to cancer is slightly different, so an appropriate answer for one person may not be the perfect answer for someone else. This is where knowing your loved one is critical, but it’s a double-edged sword. On one side, knowing the person well means you’re more likely to say and do the right thing. On the other side, you’re the one who’ll have the strongest feelings of regret if you do misstep. No one wants to hurt the one they love but it’s almost inevitable, especially when the person you care about doesn’t always know what they want either.
Even with this uncertainty, you can never truly go wrong if you:
Think about this last one for a minute, because it may be the hardest to do.
When you’re with people you care about, the urge to fix things can be very strong. If someone says they can’t get their baby to sleep through the night, everyone within hearing distance has suggestions. If you’re having car trouble, everyone will have suggestions about where to get it fixed or what make and model to buy to replace it. If someone is sick with cancer, everyone has suggestions about what should be done to ensure the person gets better. It could be taking supplements, trying complementary or alternative medicine, deciding what treatments to have, or determining whether or not to have breast reconstruction.
There are so many decisions for the person to make in quick succession and the amount of new information can be overwhelming. Providing additional information, unasked, can complicate decision-making instead of helping it. Know that your friend or family member will ask for your opinion when they’re ready for it.
As the cancer patient…
Listen to your body and only do what you can physically handle. Take care of your emotional health. And, whenever you can, recognize that the people around you need some time to adjust to your diagnosis. Like you, they’re learning what to do and say.
2/27/2017 07:28:39 am
What I often find happens when family and friends suggests things the person with cancer should do to get better. The person feels they need to do everything that is suggested, so as not to disappoint anyone. The focus needs to remain on the patient's well being and not to concern with others feelings. Trying to do too much can be exhausting and work against the process.
2/27/2017 10:13:35 am
My husband of 30 years has yet to comfort me, say we will get thru this zip. Ot has made me question my marriage
2/27/2017 09:49:21 pm
Some people don't know what to say or do. Sometimes they're afraid of doing the wrong thing so, instead, they do nothing. It sounds like you may need to get support from somewhere else or find your strength from within. Are you hooked up with any of the available cancer support forums? I have been communicating on cancerconnection.ca. There are various support groups on Facebook as well. Check out the Cancer Resources section of my website for more details.
2/27/2017 12:08:08 pm
Very interesting blog Deb with great points...I have found that once you have the surgery people think it is done and you should be good now...people do Not think about the journey you have to take and the meds and their side affects as to how you feel afterwards.
2/27/2017 07:34:36 pm
I remember clearly telling Brad, I just want her to know we're here and we care. Occasionally, I'd mail you a card or book-marker or pretty scarf for your head, all in an effort to let you know we were thinking of you. We sure enjoyed your 'boob buddies' emails and learned a lot from them. I hope we hit the right note with you too ... not to much in your face, but still there and aware. I enjoyed reading this and plan to nag BB to read it too. ;) Sylvia
2/27/2017 09:50:30 pm
You and Brad were always awesome. Never doubt that you made a difference.
Leave a Reply.
Over 30-years of writing experience, about 10 years as a cancer survivor, and a lifetime purveyor of wit and laughter.
Sign up for notifications of new posts.