2020: The worst and best of times

by Debbie Kerr

In the book, A Tale of Two Cities, the opening line (at least the part that most people know) starts with, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” However, I think many people would see 2020 more as, “It was the worst of times.” End of sentence. End of story.
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Personally, I like to believe that, in the midst of darkness/shade there were bright moments in 2020. They may not have been the best of times, but they helped to dispel some of the gloom.

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Since it’s that time of year for Top 10 lists, I picked four key experiences from 2020 and identified five negatives (The Bad) and five positives (The Good) about them. The experiences are listed in the order they occurred during the year. The items under The Bad and The Good headings are numbered to showing my counting ability and do not imply an order of importance.
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Since this year has been gloomy (to put it mildly), for each experience, I have listed The Bad first followed by The Good.  

Experiencing personal loss (January/Pre-COVID Restrictions)

The Bad

1. Having my father die.
2. Having my father die.
3. Having my father die.
4. Having my father die.
5. Having my father die.

The Good

1. Being able to have any number of people with my father (both day and night) as he was dying. I could feel the love in the room in a way I’ve never felt before. 
2. Being able to have a funeral with an unrestricted number of people.  
3. Writing an obituary that had people talking about how much they liked it and how much it reflected my dad. I like to think I made my father proud.
4. Staying with my brother and sister-in-law for several days while funeral arrangements were made. This opportunity allowed me to re-connect in a way that I would not have had otherwise.
5. Having both my sons participate in the funeral and making me proud. 

Removing another body part (February/Pre-COVID Restrictions)
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The Bad

1. Having two tests a year to monitor a thickened uterine lining and having multiple surgeries to treat it over the course of five plus years. 
2. Knowing that I spent over five years trying to avoid having a hysterectomy only to have to have one when pre-cancerous cells were found in my uterine lining.
3. Having to wait nearly six weeks for my pathology report when waiting up to 10 days for my biopsy results was considered bad.
4. Miscommunication about who was doing my surgery and whether or not I would be staying overnight. This discovery was about five minutes before I entered the operating room after waiting two hours past my originally scheduled time for my surgery.
5. Staying overnight only to have my surgeon not show up until almost 6 pm to discharge me from the hospital.

The Good

1. Having no reaction to the anaesthetic like I did with my previous surgery.
2. Finding out that I didn’t have any cancer lurking within the pre-cancerous cells.
3. Having regular testing had found the problem at the pre-cancerous stage rather than when it had already become cancer.
4. Being able to have my surgery and have someone with me because it was before the extent of COVID-19 was known and surgeries (even ones for cancer) were being cancelled.
5. Knowing that the likelihood of me having to spend any more time in my gynecologist’s office became little to none.

Working from home (In progress since March)

The Bad

1. Not having to stand in line for coffee so you lose some valuable bonding time with co-workers.
2. Accidentally working longer, especially if you don’t live with anyone, because you work heads down all day, you get pulled into the vortex that can be work and no one is there to pull you out.
3. There’s nothing you can do spontaneously unless your boss, who always wants to see your actual face, requests an unplanned meeting and the very casual (possibly pajamas) and bad hair thing are happening.
4. Being unable to work if your home internet goes down.
5. Not getting the exercise you would normally get walking to meetings, the cafeteria, and well, anywhere.

The Good

1. Having the option to work from home and saving about an hour in commute time.
2. Substituting business-casual dressing to “it-can’t-get-much-more-casual” dressing.
3. Displaying your picture (instead of yourself) on your computer screen during an online meeting so no one knows you’re having a bad-hair day.
4. Not having to wait in line to get a coffee.
5. Being able to get more work done, because there are less interruptions (but only if you don’t have children, pets, or someone who expects that there are other things you can do during the day because you’re at home).

Checking for a possible cancer recurrence (September)

The Bad

1. Suspecting that my breast cancer had returned and dreading that I might have to go through everything again (mastectomy, chemo, radiation).
2. Having to go for tests (mammogram and ultrasound).
3. Waiting. Waiting, Waiting. Experiencing the rollercoaster of emotions ranging from everything is going to be okay to wondering if the cancer stage would be more advanced than my original cancer and if it had actually spread.
4. Receiving a call to come back for more tests and, after having the first two tests completed, having a core a biopsy added to the list.
5. Having to wait six months for a follow-up ultrasound because no sample was captured in the biopsy, so no pathology could be done to confirm whether or not it was cancerous. On the plus side (sort of cheating by including this here), they are being vigilant.

The Good

1. Taking action to have my breast (my left one was removed in 2011) screened as a result of a gut feeling that something was wrong.
2. Having both a mammogram and ultrasound on my first visit for screening, which would have, potentially, added an extra trip to the hospital for testing.
3. Discovering that the hospital in my city has a Breast Assessment Day so that all my repeat testing could be done in one day.
4. Being able to tell the nurses waiting with me that I was okay and not overwhelmed because I knew what was going on and the amount of information I was hearing in a short period of time was a lot less than the terminology used as a result of a cancer diagnosis.
5. Having my “lump” rupture during my biopsy and see no “spiculation” (a cell sort of appearing to bleed into an adjacent cell), which implied that my lump was actually a cyst and there were no signs of cancer. 

And so, even with all the bad things that happened in 2020, I consider myself very lucky. 

Wishing you success (Always)
If you were not as lucky as I was, I wish you the following:

1. If you are diagnosed with cancer, that the stage will be early and, if it is not, that there are treatment options that will work for you.
2. If you are suffering financial hardship, that you will find a way to survive, be it from government aid, a modification of approach (for example, takeout versus sit-in dining), a new venture (identification of a new tool or service that is currently needed) or some other way. I cannot imagine what you and countless other people are going through. In fact, I feel a bit of survivor’s guilt.
3. If you are isolated and depressed/anxious, that you will find the resources you need to get you through this period of chaos. In one town I know, there are more opioid deaths than there are COVID-19 deaths. It’s hard enough for people to believe they can make it to the other side, a side where COVID no longer seems like it's in control. Add pre-existing mental illness and finding the balance between hope and despair is hard to achieve.
4. If you live in fear, that you do what you can to minimize your risk of catching COVID-19 and then reduce the amount of television and computer time that you spend. Be aware, but don’t despair by obsessing about the number of infections and deaths, what others have experienced who have had COVID, and hospital and supply shortages. Those additional pieces of information drive your fear and don’t give you any more options for reducing your risk.
5. If you are overwhelmed for any reason, find someone to talk to. It could be talking to a friend, finding an outlet to help deal with your anxiety, distracting yourself, calling a hotline, or seeking professional help.  Just because you are isolated does not mean you have to be alone. 

Hang in there. Look for the good within the bad and, if you can no longer see good, find help. 
You aren’t alone.