Depression: Even one step makes a difference

By Debbie Kerr

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Have I experienced depression? Yes. Have I seen a therapist? Yes. Do I ever dislike myself and doubt my self-worth. Absolutely. Have I ever thought I didn’t want to go on? Yes. Do I have loved ones who are experiencing depression? Yes. Do I always know the right thing to say and do? Absolutely not. 

What is depression?
The Mayo Clinic lists the following as some symptoms of depression:

• Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much

• Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
• Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
• Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
• Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide

Why does it happen?
I’m not a professional, but here are a few of my theories.

Lunch bag letdown
Depending on your age, lunch bag letdown might be an unfamiliar term to you. As a kid, when you took your lunch to school, someone else may have made your lunch for you. In your mind, right up until you opened that bag, you knew that the best dessert would be in that bag. Unfortunately, when you opened your lunch bag, you may have found a lousy apple. You were stunned. How could someone do this to you? That disappointment was “lunch bag letdown”. 

Lunch bag letdown does not just apply to lunches. It can apply to any disappointing experience. It can happen on a large or small scale. It can be totally unexpected at a time when you expect to be happy.  Here are a few examples:

• Think about all the work that goes into planning a wedding. Each month/week you have a variety of activities (like a guest list, invitations, and a reception) that you have to complete to get ready for that special day. It can take months or even years to plan. Your whole life, especially as you get closer to the wedding day, centers around those preparations. 
• If you are pregnant, every month is structured. You see the doctor, you have tests done, and you purchase a lot of baby-related items to use when the baby comes home. You wonder what your baby will look like. You think about all the great things you will do as a family. 
• If you have cancer, after your diagnosis, there is a treatment plan. It’s very structured. Surgery. Check. Chemo. Check. Radiation. Check. Finally, you’ve finished your treatments and you’ve overcome any obstacles that have come your way. Your life can go back to normal. 

For each of these three events, there was a big build up to a major event and maybe reality didn’t match that expectation. Maybe the wedding didn’t go off without a hitch; maybe the magical image of motherhood didn’t match the lack of sleep, and maybe the fear of not actively doing any more cancer treatments felt more scary than exciting. 

Loss of structure or purpose
In addition to reality not matching expectations, there was also the structure that was required to make sure you completed your tasks on time. Brides have a special calendar (or wedding planner) to ensure various tasks get completed on time. With a baby, there are monthly visits to the doctor that gradually get more frequent. There is a pre-determined schedule to make sure both mother and baby remain healthy. With cancer treatments, there is a plan and each step of that plan is supposed to take place at specific intervals to maximize the odds of the patient’s cancer going away.  Somehow, once the event is over, everything seems more chaotic and a person’s sense of purpose and direction is suddenly gone.
 
Just too much (feeling overwhelmed)
It’s one thing to feel disappointment. It’s a whole other story if one disappointment follows another or the reason for that disappointment is extremely important to you. Sometimes everything seems to be coming at you at the same time. You just finish dealing with one issue before another one hits. It can feel like life, in general, is ganging up on you. You may feel like you’re drowning, like there’s no way to keep your head above water. 

Sometimes, the series of disappointments can be overwhelming. It doesn’t have to be a big disappointment to add to the feeling of being overwhelmed. Events, when combined, can wear anyone down over a period of time, for example:

• You’re supposed to go out with friends; they cancel.
• You’re supposed to get a promotion at work; it’s given to someone else.
• Something that was supposed to be easy to assemble wasn’t.
• You were supposed to go on a trip; an emergency came up and the funds you needed are gone.
• You baked a special pie for company; it was special because it burned. 

 
What can you do if you’re depressed?
Don’t…

• Blame everything on someone else or blame yourself for everything.  
• Be critical of yourself or underestimate your self-worth.
• Ignore how you’re feeling and dismiss those feelings as unimportant.
• Believe that you can’t do anything right.
• Make quick decisions about what to do to deal with your depression. 

Do…

• Exercise/stretch/practice yoga. The more you do the better you’ll feel. Start small with walks inside, progress to a short walk outside, and then a longer walk.
• Find ways to express your feelings. Write, sing, dance, or paint. You don’t always have to speak to deal with your feelings.
• Keep busy doing something that you like to do. While you have to deal with your problems, thinking about them all the time only makes things worse.
• Make a list of what you want to do each day and then stroke off each item as you complete it. Once you see what it’s like to feel productive, you’ll want to experience that feeling again.
• Believe in yourself and, if you can’t, seek professional help. You may need therapy. You may need medication. You may need both. If you need support, reach out for it.

No one can make you better unless you are willing to be part of the process.  Celebrate when you achieve a goal and, if you don’t succeed, deal with that disappointment and decide when you’re going to try again. No one succeeds all the time.  

What can you do if someone else is depressed?
Don’t say…

• Just get over it. It’s not that bad.
• Hang in there; it’ll get better.
• <insert name> went through the same thing and didn’t get depressed.
• You are never given more than you can handle.

Do…

• Acknowledge your loved one’s feelings. Acting like you didn’t hear anything is like saying what they said is not important enough for you to respond. It it’s uncomfortable for you, it’s possibly even more uncomfortable for the other person. 
• Find activities to do with your loved one. Every activity you do together does not have to involve heavy discussions.
• Be patient. Show support. Learn when sitting beside someone, holding a hand, or hugging someone is all that’s needed.
• Encourage your loved one to seek outside help…but don’t do it every day.

Everyone has their own story. Everyone has their own way of dealing with different situations and the feelings that come with them. So, whether you are feeling lunch bag letdown or overwhelmed, find the structure that will have you take the steps you need to deal with your depression. No one is immune from experiencing depression.

This post doesn’t replace the advice and knowledge of a medical professional.